did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
