Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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