How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
