but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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