can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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