i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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