ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
