I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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