I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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