Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
