They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
