He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A bitchslap is in order.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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