I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
