i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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