R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize