Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
