So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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