3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
