That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
