I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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