It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
