We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
