At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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