the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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