Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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