what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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