also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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