My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
