Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
