Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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