theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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