FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
When are your genitals available?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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