just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
