I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
