Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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