my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
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That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
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I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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