Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
