Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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