break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
