Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
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I checked into jail on foursquare
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
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Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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