I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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