Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
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