Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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