It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You took a bar mat shot.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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