I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
