i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
