Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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