Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize