he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
