why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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