I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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