Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
