ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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