i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
