I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
