the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
